I was surprised to look out of the kitchen window and see six-year old Sam stopping by again on a school day this week. The other day she had stopped by to talk about why we humans get angry. We decided that sometimes we get angry because:
• Our brain gets on overload and anger can be a way of pushing away too much incoming stimuli
• We do not like to admit that we do not know something, did something dumb, or did something foolish.
Me: Sam, what a nice surprise on this Thursday morning. What prompted Princess Sam to visit the plebian Uncle Jim this morning (me bowing to the floor and then ‘pretending’ to have a difficult time rising again!!
Sam: Uncle Jim, you are so silly but the princes allows you to rise!!! I learned that in a play at school!
Me: Do you want some breakfast?
Sam: I ate but I do like that pumkin stuff you got the other day.
Me: Oh, the pumpkin butter. You want it on an English muffin?
Sam: yes, please.
Me: Let me fix it. was there something on your mind Sam.
Sam: Remember the other day when we were talking about anger. My teacher, Mrs. Williams, said sometimes anger is ahhh testified?
Me: Justified?
Sam: That is what she said. When I was telling mom and dad, Paul said, “See I told you I was right in getting angry at you.”
Me: Paul is pretty quick with responding to something you say isn’t he.
Sam: (sighs) Yes.
Sam: Mom and dad said, “Why don’t you ask Uncle Jim to explain that to you.”
Me: Okay. I think Mrs. William meant that sometimes people say or do mean things and it hurts. She may think that if we get angry they will quit saying mean things.
Sam: She said that when we do not do our homework or when someone bullies someone she gets very angry.
Me: Those are two good examples. Let’s first look up the word justify. Would you get the dictionary please?
Sam: okay! (Sam gets the big Oxford dictionary off the shelf and carries it to the kitchen table.)
Me: Okay. Let find the word – j u s t i f y.
Sam: J u s?
Me: Tify
Sam: Here it is:
Me: Great. Let see what it says:
1. Prove to be right or reasonable.
2. Have a good reason for.
It is from the word justice. Let’s look that up.
Sam: Okay (big sigh) Ju
Me: J u s t i c e
Sam: Oh hear it is Uncle Jim. It says “administration of the law. From latin Justus (see just). Oh no! Do we have to look that work up too Uncle Jim?
Me: Yes. Let’s do that.
Sam: Okay. J u s t. Here it is.
Me: What does it say?
Sam: “Latin just us, from jus ‘law, right’
Me: Justus – law, right So it sounds as if Mrs. William was say that sometimes it is right to be angry. The law does not say we have to be angry does it.
Sam: I hope not but then the could arrest my brother Paul when he was mean to me!
Me: (hiding a smile) Would you really want Paul in jail?
Sam: I guess not.
Me: So, Mrs. William is saying that it is right to get angry when some of the students do not do their homework or when one of the kids is bullying another.
Sam: Just like it is right for me to get angry at Paul.
Me: Well, let’s look at this Sam. Do you think if Mrs.Williams gets angry at a student they do better the next time?
Sam: Maybe. I sure do not like it when she is angry at me. One day I told her Oscar ate my homework (Oscar is her dog) and she got angry and said “I do not believe you. You are making that up because you did not do your homework.”
Me: So was Mrs. Williams was right in being angry at you because she thought you were lying?
Sam: But I was not lying. Oscar did tear up my homework after I did it.
Me: So it was not right to angry at you for telling the truth?
Sam: No (sniffle).
Me: What if you really had not done it and told her the truth?
Sam: She still would have gotten angry.
Me: So sometimes if we think someone is going to get angry we are tempted to not tell the truth.
Sam: I don’t like it when Mrs.William is angry. It scares me.
Me: So what else could Mrs. Williams do that would make you want to do your homework?
Sam: (beaming) Not give us homework?
Me: Cute Sam. Good try. What else could she do?
Sam: Well, she has been putting the homework on the computer and now mom and dad see what I have to do. They do not let me forget. If they are busy they tell you and you help me.
Me: So in this case instead of staying angry she found another way to make sure it gets done. That sound better.
What about the bully. Is it right to get angry at the bully?
Sam: it is not nice to bully.
Me: I agree. Remember on other time we talked about the bully being someone who does not feel good about himself or herself. Bully is a way for them to feel better or more powerful about themselves.
Sam: Oh yes. You said we should help the boy whose dad drinks and is mean to feel better about himself. Ever since he started doing his homework at our house he is much nicer and even smiles a lot.
Me: That is a great example. So while it was not good or right for him to bully the other kids, being angry or mean at him did not seem to do much good did it?
Sam: No.
Me: So we could say we understands why Mrs. Williams gets angry, getting angry does not seem to solve the problem.
Sam: Like when the waffle iron broke and you got mad at it Uncle Jim.
Me: Good example. It did not do any good to get mad at the waffle iron did it. I even hurt my hand when I hit it didn’t I. You laughed at Uncle Jim didn’t you Sam.
Sam: And then you laughed too Uncle Jim. You said you were pretty silly for blaming the waffle iron for being a waffle iron!
Me: That is true. Thinks like waffle irons, cars and other things break or wear out don’t they.
Sam: Yes, but we get angry because we do not want them to break.
Me: Does getting angry help.
Sam: Well…. For a minute it feels good but then I am usually sorry because I break something else or say something I have to apologize for.
Me: Yes, I agree. So have we decided that something can be understandable but not helpful or does not work well.
Sam: I agree but it is right.
Me: You will notice that I have avoided using the words right and wrong. We will talk about that another time. Now I think I see the school bus coming.
Sam: (Takes one more bit of her muffin with the pumpkin butter) Thanks Uncle Jim. (Gives Uncle Jim a kiss and runs out the door to the bus stop.)
Written October 22, 2015
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